Milksops and Prickly Pears: The Silent Danger within the Church

As we look around at the state of the western church, the modern family, and society, we continue seeing that these spheres are struggling, at best, and in rapid decline, at worst. This is true even within the Reformed Christian world. I continue to be shocked and surprised by the number of organizations and institutions which were once stalwarts of conservative Reformed orthodoxy, which are now gradually sliding towards egalitarianism. Though these organizations and institutions would adamantly deny this is the case, many of them now have record numbers of women professors teaching courses to potential pastors. Of course, the counter argument would be: “Yes, but these women are not teaching theology proper, but are teaching peripheral courses such as OT Hebrew, NT Greek, Church History, Counseling, Worship, etc.” But how does one teach Biblical Counseling without including theology? How does one explain the historical development of the doctrine of Justification without including and expounding upon the finer points of theology which were debated within the Church? They may not be teaching “theology proper” but it’s only a matter of time.
 
I have also been surprised by the number of conservative and Reformed publications which now produce issues with a great many of the theological articles being written by women. “Yes,” but they’ll say, “they do not hold the position of pastor and they are not teaching theology within the church setting.” But it’s only a matter of time. God’s Word does not say, ‘I do not permit a woman to teach [men directly within a church setting, but they can do so in any other setting] or to exercise authority over a man [within a church setting, but they may do so within any other setting]’ (1 Tim. 2:12). God’s Word does say, “I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man”—period. Whether that teaching is being done within a Sunday school class or a seminary classroom, a theology book, an article, or Bible commentary, makes no difference. To teach the authoritative Word of God with authority is to exercise authority over the one being taught.

But this is not to blame churches, Bible colleges, seminaries, and conservative Christian publications for allowing this behavior, rather the blame belongs to milksops and prickly pears within the church and home. Milksop is literally bread soaked in milk but began to be used in the 16th century to describe “a weak or cowardly man.” This is because bread soaked in milk is quite malleable and does not have much substance. And, of course, we all know what a prickly pear is, that sweet edible fruit that grows on a cactus plant that is covered with thorns. It can be sweet, but also painful.

The Church is filled with too many milksops—men who will not step up and embrace their God-given role and responsibilities within the family and church. Many of these milksops are pastors and CEOs of large mega-churches and parachurch organizations. Many of them are presidents of institutions of higher education. Many of them are Editor-in-Chiefs of conservative, and sometimes Reformed, periodicals and publishing companies. And thus, how they lead (or don’t lead) has a ripple effect within the church and the broader Christian community.

Some of these milksops simply will not step up into the role which God requires them to carry out within the home. The Bible makes clear that it is the responsibility of husbands and fathers to be the sole, if not primary, provider for the family (1 Tim. 5:8), to instruct his wife and children with God’s Word (Eph. 5:25-26; 6:4), to be the spiritual leader for the family, and to be the spiritual and physical protector for the family (Gen. 2:15). Yet, there are many men within the church who are perfectly content to allow their wife to bring in half the household income, or worse, to be the stay-at-home dad who homeschools the kids while wifey goes off to work and brings home the bacon.

There are also too many pastors who know this is wrong and see this happening within their own church but say nothing—and certainly won’t write articles like this one—for fear of losing a tithing family or losing their job. It seems that the majority church has learned nothing from the example of King Saul and the words of Samuel the Prophet who said to him, “To obey [God] is better than sacrifice [worship], and to listen [is better] than the fat of rams” (1 Sam. 15:22). We can go to church and sing our hearts out in worship to God and then drop a ton of money in the offering box, but if we are not striving to live in complete obedience to God, then our worship is hollow.

But milksops are also men within the church who publicly agree with and embrace the biblical roles given to husbands and fathers. They will confidently state they believe the husband is the head of the home and the wife is to submit to his leadership, but then go home and allow their wife to make all the decisions or, at best, ask their wife what they want to do and then say, “As the husband, I am making the decision to do what you want.” Why? Because they are governed by the unbiblical principle: “Happy wife, happy life.” These milksops don’t really lead within their homes; they just pretend they do. If they do family worship at all, they only do so because their wife keeps nagging them to get it done. They skip church when their wife is ill or has to work because, apparently, they don’t know how to attend church by themselves. They may not even know how to get to church since their wife always does the driving. Milksops don’t set the example within the home by spending daily time in prayer and God’s Word. They won’t read a book that doesn’t have pictures in it, and they certainly won’t read anything on theology. If a Milksop’s child has a Bible question, he’ll send him to mom. And if his wife has a Bible question, he’ll encourage her to ask the pastor or search the internet. These are men who agree (in principle) with the idea of male-headship, but secretly know their wife actually wears the pants in the family (and many of them are OK with it).

But the danger that many current “conservative” and “Reformed” churches are facing today is not just with having too many milksops within, but with having an abundance of prickly pears as well. These are wives who simply refuse to accept what scriptures says about their God-given role and responsibilities within the home and church to love and care for their husband and children, and to care for their home and family (Titus 2:3-5). Instead, they spend their time pursuing their career or scrolling through their social media accounts, all while neglecting their duties to home and family. They read their Bible and attend church and midweek study faithfully, but believe that when the Bible says, “wives should submit in everything to their husbands” (Eph. 5:24), ‘that is clearly not what that means.’ They don’t know what it means, but they know it does not mean what it means to say so whatever it does mean, it must mean something else—and so goes the logic. These women believe the wife was given to the husband to be his helpmate, and her husband needs help with everything. Her husband needs her to make every decision for him and for the family. He needs her to tell him what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. Her husband may be the head of the household, but it's a ceremonial title, at best.

But there is another variety of prickly pears that are likely more prevalent within conservative and Reformed churches. These are wives who publicly and confidently embrace the submissive, helper role of wives to their husbands, and the priority of caring for their home and family. They believe the problem within the church and home is wives not knowing their place. These prickly pears appear to have the “gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious” (1 Pet. 3:4) but at home they are subtly deceptive and manipulative, and often sharp and biting to their husband and children (hence, prickly pear). They are always submissive to their husbands, but quite often do what their husbands do not want done. But they are merely being the God-given helper to their husbands. Their husband may want the wife and family to do (A), but she knows that doing (B) is what is truly best for the family. She is not being unsubmissive; she is being his helper. Or, she may know that her husband wants her or the family to do (A) but because it’s not a serious issue, then it is not being unsubmissive to do (B).

Years ago, I remember having a conversation with a man who he and his wife both heartily agreed with the biblical roles of husbands and wives. He worked and provided for the family and led the family in daily family worship. She was a homemaker who homeschooled their children. The conversation somehow got onto the scriptural teaching of women having long hair (1 Cor. 11:1-15) and what that meant. He then shared that he believed that passage in 1 Corinthians taught that women should have long hair. I then pointed out that his wife had short hair and asked him why that was? With a shrug of his shoulders and a look of disappointment he said, “Because she wants to.”

Thus, the problem with milksops and prickly pears within the church is two-fold. On the one hand, there are husbands who won’t lead and wives who won’t submit. These are husbands and wives who believe that just being saved and going to church is good enough. What their marriage looks like and how it functions, and what goes on inside the home, is a minor detail and really no one’s business. But God sees it. It’s God’s business. And it’s not minor to him. When Uzzah reached out with his hand to stop the Ark of God from falling to the ground and possibly being destroyed, his intentions were right, but his actions were sinful (2 Sam. 6:1-7). God had commanded that no one was ever to lay a hand upon God’s Ark. God cares far more about our obedience than we realize, in both the big and little things. He cares about the details. Don’t be an Uzzah.

On the other hand—and far more dangerous—the church is filled with husbands and wives who publicly profess and embrace their God-given roles as outlined in Scripture, and belong to conservative and Reformed churches whose confessions espouse these truths, but in the home this is not lived out. The husband thinks he is leading by example in “striving for peace with everyone” (Heb. 12:14) and allowing his wife to run the home. He publicly rejects the philosophy of ‘happy wife, happy life,’ but privately lives it out in the home. The wife believes she is a godly and submissive wife because she only ignores his decisions and biblical instruction when she disagrees with him.

This can sometimes lead to a vicious and unhappy cycle which can rapidly spiral out of control. The wife gives up on trying to get her husband to lead because he just won’t, and so she steps into the leadership void. The husband gives up on trying to lead, because the wife won’t follow when she disagrees with where he’s leading, and so he capitulates his leadership. She wants a husband who will lead. He wants a wife who will follow. It’s impossible to have one without the other.

In all this we must ever keep in mind that Jesus’ harshest criticism was not leveled at those who lived in open disobedience to God, such as tax collectors and prostitutes (Luke 7:37-48; 19:2-6). His harshest criticism was directed at the religious rulers who lived as hypocrites, publicly stating one thing but secretly living a lie. Publicly stating that one holds to and affirms the biblical role and responsibilities of husbands and wives is meaningless if it is not lived out.

Husbands, don’t be a milksop. Be like Christ who cherishes his bride, the Church, cares for her, instructs her in God’s Word, and loves her unconditionally even while she frequently defies and dishonors Him (Eph 5:25; Rom. 8:35). Wives, don’t be a prickly pear. Be like Christ who graciously and willingly submitted to the will of his Father in everything even when it was stressful and painful (Eph. 5:24; Luke 22:41-44). Let’s rid the Church of milksops and prickly pears so that she might bring more glory and honor to Christ. ​

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