Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Photo by Farrinni on Unsplash

​Living in a world of conflict can be tough. Because we live in a fallen world, a world riddled with sin, conflict within relationships is inevitable. Conflict cannot be avoided. The best we can hope for is to pray that the Holy Spirit, through his Word, will help us deal with and resolve conflict in a biblical and God-honoring manner.
 
But what do we do when we find ourselves in a situation where we have been sinned against, or at least we believe we have been wronged by someone else, and that someone else either refuses to acknowledge their sin or possibly does not even realize they’ve sinned against you? We’ve all been there. How often have we been the one who has offended someone else, and when confronted with our offense, we’re not really sure we agree? We’re not really sure we’ve done anything wrong. 

​What then? What do we do when we’ve been sinned against, and the offending person does not acknowledge their sin? There are some pastors and theologians throughout church history who have argued that Christians are not obligated to forgive the sins of those who do not ask for it. To be sure, they use as the basis for their argument that God does not forgive the sins of those who do not ask for forgiveness, and as Christians we are to be imitators of God (Eph. 5:1). Thus, if God only forgives the sins of those who seek it, then Christians need only forgive the sins of those who ask for it.
 
However, it seems a better argument can be made in that while it is true that God only forgives those who seek it, and Christians are to be imitators of God, it is also true that God punishes evil doers for their sins, and yet Christians are commanded to “never avenge yourselves” (Rom. 12:19). Thus, Christians are not to imitate God in all things. There are some things the Creator can do that the creature dare not do. He is God and we are not.
 
Thus, when it comes to forgiveness, a better verse to start with is with the words of the apostle Paul—“Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ” (1 Cor. 11:1). Here Paul exhorts us to follow both Christ’s and his example. And when we do that, what do we see? We see Christ praying for the forgiveness of those who crucified him (Lk. 23:34). These individuals who had just been shouting a short time earlier, “Crucify him! Crucify him!” clearly were not asking for forgiveness from Christ. Yet, he forgives them anyway.
 
We also see that the apostle Paul forgave those who had wronged him in Corinth and leveled false accusations against him (2 Cor. 2:10-11). The opposition to Paul in Corinth was so severe he did not return to the church for a third visit as he had originally planned but instead chose to write a letter (2 Cor. 1:17; 2:1; 6:11-13; 7:2; 10:1; 11:7-11). Thus, when Paul says, “be imitators of me, as I am of Christ,” one way to do this is to forgive those who sin against us even when they have not asked for forgiveness.
 
Where Christians can often struggle with this concept is with the relationship between forgiveness and reconciliation. Many Christians incorrectly assume that these two concepts go hand-in-hand. Where there is forgiveness, there must also be reconciliation. This is not always the case. While there cannot be reconciliation without forgiveness, there can be forgiveness without reconciliation. A case in point is Jesus forgiving those who crucified him. In his forgiving them of their sin was he then reconciled to them? Was the broken relationship between Christ and his accusers mended? Of course not. One cannot be reconciled to Christ without repenting of our sins, seeking forgiveness from God, and placing faith in Christ.
 
A second case in point is Paul’s forgiveness for those who had falsely accused him in Corinth (2 Cor. 2:10-11). Though Paul had forgiven the troublemakers in his heart, he clearly had not been reconciled to them. The relationship between Paul and his false accusers had not and could not be restored without their personal repentance and confession of their sin against Paul.
 
But if forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things and do not necessarily go together, what then does it mean to forgive? What is forgiveness, if not reconciliation? Forgiveness is not holding a record of wrong against our neighbor. The Second Great Commandment is to love our neighbor as ourselves (Matt. 22:39). The first evidence of the fruit of the Spirit is love (Gal 5:22). And love holds no record of wrong; it is not resentful (1 Cor. 13:5). Thus, forgiveness means not harboring ill will, animosity, or anger towards someone who has wronged us. As Christians, we are commanded to love not just those who treat us well, but to love our enemies (Matt 5:44). An enemy, by definition, is someone who intentionally seeks to do us harm. We are to love them. And love is desiring and doing what is best for someone else regardless of personal cost. This is the way in which God loves us and, thus, this is the way in which we are to love others—even our enemies (Matt. 5:45; Rom. 5:8).
 
Thus, when we are sinned against, we can and should forgive them, even when they do not seek it. As God’s children, we are commanded to forgive (Matt. 6:14-15; 18:21-22). However, reconciliation cannot occur, the relationship cannot be restored, where there is no repentance and confession of sin. This is often the mistake and misunderstanding that is made on both sides. Many Christians mistakenly think that to forgive someone who has wronged them means that the relationship must be restored back to its original status. Even though the offending party has not acknowledged their sin nor sought forgiveness, to forgive them means we must act as though all is forgotten. No harm has been done. This is biblically not true.
 
When a relationship has been damaged by sin, there can be no full and complete restoration of the relationship without the offending person confessing their sin and seeking forgiveness. The offended person can and should forgive, but without confession and repentance by the offender, the damage to the relationship remains. Over time, if there is too much damage done to a relationship that has been left unrepaired through a lack of confession and repentance, the relationship will reach a point beyond repair.
 
However, many Christians also mistakenly think that reconciliation can occur without confession and repentance. We see this when a person has sinned against someone else and the offender realizes it or it has been pointed out to them and, rather than go to the other person and say the words, “I’m sorry. Please forgive me,” they want to just pick up where they left off in the relationship and pretend all is good. Their hope is that their friendly behavior, their loving actions, will be seen as an admission of guilt and seeking forgiveness. But imagine, if you will, that Judas did not hang himself after betraying Christ. Then imagine that after Jesus’ resurrection and ascension, Judas felt bad about what he had done and so he went and found the remaining disciples gathered around a fire and decided to just pull up a seat and begin engaging in friendly conversation with them as though what he had done had never take place. Can we really believe the disciples would not have called him to account for his sin? Can we really imagine the disciples would not have required him to publicly confess his sin and seek forgiveness? Can we really imagine the disciples would have simply accepted him without acknowledging the elephant in the room? Certainly not.
 
When we have sinned against someone, and our conscience bears witness against us, if we truly value the other person, if we truly value the relationship, if we truly desire to be reconciled to that person and fully restore the relationship, it is imperative that we go to that person and verbally acknowledge the sin we have committed against them, tell them we are sorry, and say the words, “Please forgive me.” To believe enough time has passed that we can simply pick up where we left off in the relationship, without confessing our sin and seeking forgiveness, is neither healthy nor biblical.
 
So also, when someone comes to us confessing their sin and seeking forgiveness, we are biblically obligated to not only completely forgive them, but also to reconcile with them, to fully restore the relationship to where it once was. To forgive someone but then not desire to restore the relationship to where it once was is not forgiveness and is a display of ingratitude for what Christ has done for us. No matter how often we have sinned or will sin against God, and no matter how grievous the sin is, when we repent and seek God's forgiveness, Christ forgives us and brings us into a loving relationship with himself. For us to not to be willing to do the same is to become the unforgiving servant of Matthew 18:21-35. Where there is confession of sin and forgiveness sought, there must be reconciliation, or forgiveness has not truly been granted.